I am a Spoonie Warrior!
I’m sitting cross legged on my yoga mat, sunlight filtering in through the window onto my face, cup of tea in hand.
I’m looking, listening, thinking and feeling, oh so much feeling.
I can hear the mellifluous jingle of my eleven year olds fingers on the key board of the piano, and her sweet, perfect voice as she follows along with something on the internet, teaching herself, by watching and feeling, making up her own words to go with the sounds.
I look a picture of calm; I also look a picture of health and fitness, with my olive skin and slender frame (especially after the filters, filter out the wrinkles and black rings). I should ‘insta’ myself this second #LovingLife #FitandStrong #CantGetEnough. Accept that my reality is #Exhausted #LosingTheBattle #CantFightAnotherDay.
It is late on Wednesday morning; I should be at my desk learning about multilevel statistical models. She should be in the classroom, laughing and smiling with her friends, eager to learn, feeling well and energetic.
We are neither. Last night was another trip to the hospital emergency room with my resting heart rate at 210 beats per minute. Her health is fragile enough that being woken in the dark, cold and rain to attend the ER – left both of us waking up today nauseous, exhausted and totally unable to cope with the everyday rigors of an average Wednesday morning.
Imagine, for a moment, your favorite epic warrior movie; Thor, Harry Potter, Gladiator, Game of Thrones. Now see me again sitting quietly, calmly on my yoga mat in my ‘activewear’ and understand that inside me is a battle no less epic than that film in your minds’ eye.
I am slaying demons, fighting monsters of past and present, gathering my energy simply to rise and achieve anything at all. Like our heroes, I too am fresh from the last battle, still wounded, still bleeding. Like our heroes I can’t turn from this battle because I am so spent from the last one. There was no – not rising and attending to my 210 heart rate in the middle of the night, just because the night before I had woken in a pool of sweat with the urge to vomit. Like our heroes I too will rise again, from the ashes, dust and pain and go bravely into battle.
Don’t pity me; respect me! Be a little bit in awe of me.
Like the more famous heroes, a little acclaim, even if it is just from my partner, or a nurse in ED, a little acclaim makes the next battle that little easier to rise to. Because there will be a next battle as true as night follows day – whether that will be in a few seconds or few days is the only mystery.
This post is dedicated to my fellow spoonies. I am in awe of you. You are brave and strong, the way you rise again and again and again.
Yours as Ever,